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1.

Once upon a time a long, long time ago, the dreadful Mynirrclopyn came down from the mountains. Their pale, almost white, flesh glistened in the moonlight as if it was constantly slimy. They had long, strong but slender arms, and on their hands, if they could be called hands, were sharp claws sometimes four inches long.
They came leaping down the mountainside in the dark hours before dawn seeming nothing more than shadows of bushes and trees.
Like a great wave they swiped away everything that stood in their way. Villages were ground into the dirt and whole towns were deserted. The king sent out orders that all who were able to fight should join his army immediately, so it would be strong enough to drive back the terrible Mynirrclopyn. Few came. Too few. Of the small groups, who were sent out to stay the Mynirrclopyn while more men were gathered, none returned. Every day the beasts came closer and closer to the capital where the king had his seat.

Then, the day before the great battle for the citadel, a strange traveller came to the gates. Relatively small, draped in a long black cloak and riding a big black wolf. It was impossible to guess much about the strangers looks because of the cloak. The traveller knocked. Word was sent to the king at once. He arrived soon afterwards and looked down at the newcomer with great mistrust.
- “Open the gates,” the stranger called to the king.
- “Why are you here and what is your errand? Your steed will surly do great damage if ever it is let inside the gates.”
- “Let me in, and I promise that my wolf will do no harm to anyone inside these walls.”
The king looked at the queer figure and said:
- “Your promise has no value for us, what about you, how do we know that you have good intentions?”
The stranger looked up and the sun was reflected in a toothy white smile.
- “Let me in, and I promise that I will do no harm to anyone inside these walls.”
The king replied:
- “Your promise has no value for us, how do we know that you are not in league with our enemy and will open the gates for them as soon as you are inside?”
Again the stranger smiled, wider this time, and said:
- “Let me in, and I will make sure that you win this battle against the Mynirrclopyn.”
The king stared for a moment, the guards at his side exchanged startled looks, not sure what to think.
- “Your promise has no value for us, how do we know that you speak the truth at all?”
The stranger heaved a sigh
- “You don’t and can’t know anything, but the thing is my lord that I am your only hope.”
The king looked down at the small figure below, was it worth the risk?
- “But for a service of that size... I suppose... you will expect some sort of... reward.” He said stumbling through the words
- “Naturally, but no more than you can afford.” The stranger said matter-of-factly.
- “What kind of reward?” The king asked with narrowed eyes
- “Let me in first, then we can talk.” Then after a slight pause – “In private if you please.”
The gates swung slowly open.

The king and the stranger sat for a long time alone in the king’s tower. When they came out at last the king was pale and sweating. When his son supported him he could feel the old king trembling. The young prince looked searchingly at the stranger.
- What did he say to you father? He asked, but the king wouldn’t say a word.

In the early hours of the dawn, just before the sun rose, a ghastly cry was heard. The Mynirrclopyn advanced. The men had not slept the entire night. The promise of the stranger was weak and unhopeful. Where was the stranger now?
The Mynirrclopyn crept closer slaying everyone in their way. They slashed the men with their claws, and tore them with their teeth. Before long the ground was red with blood, and littered with the bodies of the fallen men. When the Mynirrclopyn came closer to the walls the bowmen released their arrows. A few of the creatures fell, but they seemed scarcely to take notice of the arrows, which were raining down upon them. The Mynirrclopyn continued to advance.
Soon they were right beneath the walls, and with them they brought a battering ram. One heavy blow after the other fell on the gates. And the gates were strong, but the ram was stronger. It was plain, that they would not hold much longer.
Then the stranger came forth.
- “Open the gate!” The stranger cried.
- “What?!” The captain shouted back – “But they’ll come in, the moment it opens!”  
- “I said open the gate.” The stranger said calmly. The captain of the guard shook his head disbelievingly.
- “It will give way soon enough anyway if you do not open it.” The stranger said carelessly, - “and now,” The stranger heaved a sigh, - “I’m going to war.” The stranger took hold of the black cloak and tore it of her shoulders, the people, who saw it, gasped, for a she it was, and no more than 15 years old by the look of her. She called on her wolf and mounted it. Then she looked up at the captain with an unreadable expression on her face. The captain stared at her for a moment, with the sound of the groaning gate in his ears. He set his face in a grim expression.
- “Open the gate!”

She rode out to meet the Mynirrclopyn. Her blade blazing in the rising sun, and all around her the fallen men of the citadel rose to fight again, and this time they did not falter. With swords and spears they hacked and hewed and stabbed at the horrible creatures. No longer did they heed the sharp claws and long teeth of the Mynirrclopyn. They could not die twice. The Mynirrclopyn were defeated. The few, who were left, fled back to the mountains. The stranger turned around, she was smeared in the blood of her enemies and herself and called back:
- “Remember your promise king! Remember your promise to me or a fate worse than death awaits you.” Then she turned her wolf and rode into the North Forest. It was then the North Forest turned dark and it has been called so ever since; the Dark Forest.

Many years went by. The king grew old and tired. And as each year went by he became more and more nervous too. His son was worried. His father had always been so calm and strong, now he jumped at the smallest sound. Then the king became very ill and no doctors in the whole kingdom knew how to cure him. On the day the king died, he asked for all to leave him but his son. They talked alone for some time, then there was silence, and the prince came out from the room trembling to announce the death of their king. He would not tell anyone, what it was, that had been said in those last minutes, which had shaken him so.
Then the stranger came back to the gates.
- “I have come for the fulfilment of the promise made to me, when I drove back the Mynirrclopyn.” She shouted to the guards at the gate. But out came the prince and said in a steady voice:
- “Begone from these gates, you will never enter again and that promise will never be fulfilled.”
- “I take promises very seriously,” She said. Her voice was quiet, but there was an angry glint in her eye, - “And the breaking of them even more so. If you do not keep to your promise you will regret it. Thoroughly.”
- “I do not care about your threats.” He said, his voice rising. “You’re not entering these gates again, ever!”
- “As I said, promises are very important to me, and it is because of a promise I made then that I do not kill you now. But this I promise you also, none of your family will ever rest not even in their graves until you have fulfilled your promise.” At this she turned and rode back the way she had come.
No one has seen her since, unless it be the unlucky few, who have entered the Dark Forest. Nobody has ever returned from that accursed place, since the Stranger rode inside.


- “And now you really must go to sleep.” Ashlin told her granddaughter. “Tomorrow will be a long day.” It was late and from the doorway Aeschylus could only just see his beloved Caitlin by the flickering light of the candle. In his eyes nothing and no one in the world was more beautiful.
- “But I’m not tired.” the little girl complained, “Did all that really happen?”
- “It did my dear.” Ashlin replied tenderly.
- “What was the promise the king made?”
- “That was only known to him.” said Ashlin, a serious expression on her face. “Some say that was what he told his son, before he died, but no one can be sure. If that is true, then the royal family has kept the secret inside the family ever since.”  
- “But what about her last promise?” The little girl asked, - “the one about they wouldn’t rest.”
- “That is the thing that proves the story is true. The capital isn’t nearly as safe as it was; people lock their doors tight at night, for when the moon shines the old kings walk the streets again. But the whole royal family still lives there in the fear that the stranger will come back for them as soon as they set foot outside the capital.”
- “Wouldn’t it be easier, just to give her what she wants” Caitlin asked. Then she added, “if she’s still alive that is? Then perhaps... Perhaps the birds would sing again...”
- “Why do you say that my love?”
- “The people in the village say that the birds used to sing in the spring, and when the sun rose too. And the sun would be bright and strong, and the sky would be blue not grey...” she said with a dreamy expression, - “They said that the grass used to be greener too.” she added as an afterthought. The old woman looked thoughtful. The child was silent for a while. Then she began again.
- “I don’t think it was very nice, breaking the promise like that, she did save them all.”
- “But maybe,” her grandmother said, “what she asked was something they could not give.”
- “She told them it was no more than they could afford.” The child looked up, the old woman was smiling, but she suddenly looked very tired.
- “Maybe,” Aeschylus said walking up to her bed, - “she was lying.” He bended down and kissed her on the forehead.


Ashlin sat in her favourite chair by the fireplace. A large rocking chair beautifully carved by her late husband. Decorated with carvings of flowers and plants eternally winding in and out of each other, so that it was impossible to tell where one ended and another began. The flames made the shadows dance, and the plants writhed like snakes. But Ashlin did not notice, she stared into the fire with empty eyes. She knew that what her granddaughter, had said was true; she remembered when the birds still sang from time to time. And she remembered the last day she heard birdsong from a little starling sitting in a bush not far from her. Excited, she had pointed it out to her mother, who had taken little notice as she was gossiping with one of her friends. She had a feeling that her mother had regretted that to the end of her days.
That was when they lived in the village. But then the fire came. Her father decided that it was safer to live a bit farther away from the other houses. She didn’t question it then, but now she was sure that it hadn’t been an ordinary fire. And her father had probably had a very good idea of, who started it.

She had helped with building the new house. It wasn’t large but large enough. It kept the wind out, was warm in winter and cool in summer, and it had the most wonderful carvings around the door and just below the eaves all the way round. Those were added later by her husband. She often thought of him when she sat in her chair. He had been a great carver, a great artist. Sometimes at night she would dream that he was still with her and wake up with tears on her cheeks.  

She looked to the window; all she saw was her own reflection. Outside it was pitch black and silent. On some nights one could be lucky to see a few stars, but not tonight, even though the moon was full it was nothing more than a dim pale disc in the sky.



2.

Small huts made of twigs and lettuce leaves stood in front of the house. Caitlin picked up some pebbles. From the doorway her grandmother watched her play.
Some wild rabbits hopped nearer nosing the lettuce. Caitlin saw them. And at once she made the pebbles homeless and held out the lettuce for the rabbits. They ate from her hand. Ashlin frowned.
Caitlin stood in a clearing in a dark forest. Something was moving through the bushes towards her. She heard the sound and turned. A large black wolf emerged. Its’ eyes gleamed.
Ashlin shook her head. Caitlin was sitting on the ground again feeding the rabbits. They even let her stroke them. Then another pair of eyes appeared in the shadows. Not unlike those of the wolf. A cloaked figure came out into the clearing. She threw back her hood and grinned revealing long canine teeth. She moved her lips, but Ashlin couldn’t hear what she was saying. Everything turned black and she felt a sharp pain in the back of her head. Then Caitlin and the Stranger faced each other in the clearing again. The Stranger drew her sword.

- “Ashlin!” She heard the voice but could not make any sense of it. -“Ashlin, wake up.” Her eyelids fluttered.
-“Ashlin,” Aeschylus said again. Ashlin sat up. She looked around. No Stranger, no wolf, Caitlin was still there, but she was much younger now. Her head still hurt.
- “What happened, was it a vision?” Aeschylus asked.
- “No, no,” Ashlin said. “I just... I must have fallen asleep that’s all.”
- “While you were standing up?” He raised an eyebrow. Ashlin turned to Caitlin.
- “Why don’t you go outside and play again?” She asked. - “I have something to talk with your father about.” Ashlin smiled and gave Caitlin a hug. Caitlin went outside. The rabbits were gone. So was the lettuce.



3.

It was hot and humid, though the sun was very dim and far away. Caitlin was sweating like anything. They had been training for two hours already.
- “I’m tired father, and it’s too hot to be training this hard. Can’t we stop now? I want to go down to the lake.”
- “Do you think, your enemy will care about that?” Aeschylus asked, - “even in this heat, you’ll have to be able to fight. Now, prepare yourself!” He raised his wooden sword and charged at Caitlin. She managed to parry a couple of times then got a forceful blow on her shoulder. She cried out in pain.
- “You didn’t have to use so much strength.” She said accusingly with tears in her eyes.
- “You have to learn to ignore the pain and fight on.” Her father said. – “Your enemy won’t go soft on you in any way. You have to be tough.”
- “My enemy, my enemy! I don’t have an enemy!” She shouted. She threw down her wooden sword and ran away from her father.

Ashlin came out to Aeschylus.
- “You’re too harsh with her, you know.” she said.
- “I’m just trying to prepare her.” he answered. “I want her to win against this Stranger, if they really must face each other, as you say.”
- “That is what I saw.” She said, “but you know how hard it is to interpret my visions.” Ashlins eyes glazed over. - “To think it should be Caitlin.” Ashlin said in a far off voice. “We have known for generations that it would be one of our family, one of the Hecate, who would end the curse. But that it should be Caitlin.” Aeschylus looked at her searching for something, when he did not find it, he turned back to look the way Caitlin ran off.

Caitlin was all he had left of Nehali. It was 14 years ago he lost her. Giving birth to Caitlin was the last thing she did.

- “I have to train her this hard or she’ll never survive. She must be strong. She must be tough.”
- “You don’t think her talent will help?” Ashlin asked with a raised eyebrow. Aeschylus fell silent, and looked down. Caitlin had until now shown no sign of any special talent, but Ashlin was sure, it was there. She meant that this as yet undiscovered talent would be what helped Caitlin to defeat the Stranger. Aeschylus meant that was nonsense, but he never told Ashlin that. He was sure that it would be Caitlin’s fighting skills with both fists and weapons, which would make her prevail. This he would teach her, he promised himself. All he in his turn learned of his father, supplemented of course with what he himself had learned in his years of fighting. He had been to war for the king after all. Ashlin broke his train of thought.
-We can’t leave her in ignorance much longer. We’ll have to tell her soon, very soon.


A sullen face looked up at Caitlin. Deep blue eyes and rather untidy auburn hair were reflected in the mirror of the lake. She sighed. She thought about her father. She tried to find a reason why he was so hard on her, when they were training. She couldn’t find one. At all other times they had such fun together. How could he change so drastically? She just did not understand.

The lake was like glass. Not even the smallest breeze disturbed the water. Yellow grass stood motionless on the plane, but just around the lake it was still green. The trees held their elegant postures in silence. Still they interrupted her train of thought. She looked at them for a moment. Then she looked through them. She imagined birds sitting in the branches, singing. It was difficult. It was seldom she even saw a bird, and she had never heard one say anything.
She looked up into the grey sky. The sun was swathed in mist; she had never seen it in any other way. Could it really be true that it had ever been different? She hoped it was. It had to be. She could not stand the thought that this should be the world as it always had been and always would be. There had to be some way to change it.

The nearest village was the one Ashlin had lived in when she was young. Just down the road, not even ten minutes walk away. It was also the only village Caitlin had ever been in. She did not mind though. She would much rather be, where there were few or no humans, than where a crowd of people actually lived.
She had explored a great deal of the woods, which grew close to the house on the north side. It was a shadowy forest, but not a dark one. There were beeches, oaks, ash trees and in between large sections of pine trees, where the pine needles lay so thick on the ground that they muffled all noise.
She loved walking in the forest. From time to time she could be lucky to see deer or even a fox.

There was one place in particular she was very fond of visiting: A clearing where an aged oak stood alone remembering past times. His old branches were thick and gnarled. They were always visited by squirrels and birds, and they were a good deal more lively here than anywhere else in the forest. The oak seemed to have its own magic, which held the silence and the despair at bay. Still, there was no birdsong.

Her father sometimes went hunting in the forest, when they were in need of meat. Many times he had tried to persuade her into coming along, but she did not want to. She never really told him why. He would not understand anyway. He never did.
To the south of the house plains stretched far away. She had discovered much of these as well. There were shrubs and small flowers. And tall grasses which could tickle her chin when she stood upright. Among these she had found many a mouse hole and molehills.

The Lake was one of her favourite haunts, especially when it was this hot. It lay southwest of her home, easy to find because of a copse of trees around it. These towered above the small shrubs and long grasses otherwise to be found on the plain.
She took of her clothes and went in. The water was cold, but not unpleasant. After swimming a bit back and forth she went up again and put on her clothes. She felt refreshed, but the freshness would not last long in this weather. She strode to the forest, and into the shade of the trees.
The sun was setting before she even thought about going back.



4.

When she came home she found her father and grandmother sitting in front of the fireplace. They both looked very serious. They looked up as she entered the house.
- “Oh, there you are.” Said Ashlin. - “We were just about to come out after you. Come and warm yourself by the fire, and I’ll fetch you some food.” Caitlin sat down on a stool facing her father. Caitlin felt ashamed that she had been out for so long. It was rather childish, now that she thought about it. They sat in silence, until Ashlin came back with a bowl of food for Caitlin. Caitlin took the bowl, but did not eat. The air in the room felt heavy. Her father cleared his throat.
- “Caitlin, there is something we have to tell you.” He stopped. This was going to be harder than he had thought. Caitlin looked utterly bewildered.
- “When you were only three years old,” he continued, - “your grandmother had a vision.”
- “A vision?” Caitlin asked. – “Like a foretelling vision?”
- “Yes.” Her father said. Then he stopped. He did not look, like he was going to say anymore. Caitlin made him continue by asking:
- “And what was this vision about?” She looked back and forth between her father and grandmother. They were still silent. Ashlin stared into the fire. The corner of Aeschylus’ mouth was twitching. He scratched the scar on his cheek.
– “Aren’t you going to tell me?” Caitlin was getting annoyed. They could not first say that her grandmother had had a vision, and then not tell her more about it.
- “It was about you.” began her grandmother. Caitlin had guessed that but did not say anything out loud. She wanted Ashlin to continue.
– “And it was about the Stranger too” Ashlin said after a long pause. Caitlin froze. Her and the Stranger? She could not imagine how that could be anything but bad. Not just bad, terrible. Ashlin then told her the whole vision with all details. When she was finished, Caitlin was pacing the floor. Caitlin’s food stood on her stool; she had not taken a single bite.

- “Why didn’t you tell me all this before?” Caitlin accused them.
- “We wanted to be sure you were ready for it.” Her grandmother said calmly. Caitlin let out an uncharacteristic bitter laugh.
- “At least I know what all that training and talk of my enemy is about now. Not that it’s going to help much. The Stranger can call up the dead. And for all I know, she may have other much worse abilities. I would never be able to even scathe her, let alone kill her.” Abruptly she stopped. “That is what you want me to do, isn’t it?” She asked suddenly. She read the answer in their faces. She looked at them with disbelief. “I’d never be able to do that. I couldn’t, not even if I wanted to.”
The last startled Aeschylus and Ashlin. They had expected the part about it being hopeless or something quite like it, but the denial. It had never occurred to them that she would refuse to even try.
-“But killing her will break the curse.” Aeschylus said. “Don’t you want to hear the birds sing, and see the blue sky a-” Here Caitlin broke in.
- “Of course I do. You know I do.” She said. “But there must be some other way to break the spell. And honestly, I don’t think, I am the one to do it. I mean, really. It ought to be some great hero.”
- “It is your fate dear.” Ashlin said. “The Stranger is your enemy, and I’m sure you will find a way to defeat her.”
- “But what about me?” Caitlin asked indignantly. “What if I don’t want that fate? What if I don’t want to have an enemy?” She stood for a while breathing hard. Then she added a bit more quietly. “What if I don’t want to kill anyone?” She lowered her head and said in barely more than a whisper “Not even the Stranger.”

There was a long silence. Nothing could be heard except the crackle of the fire. Caitlin looked at the floorboards without seeing them. Her food was growing cold on the stool. Ashlin and Aeschylus looked at each other, they read doubt and surprise in each other’s faces. Then Ashlin cleared her throat.
- “I am afraid, you have no choice my dear.” she quietly told her granddaughter. – “If you don’t kill her, she will most certainly kill you.” Caitlin lowered her head even further. She knew that everything that Ashlin had “seen” until now had happened. Perhaps it was her fate. But how could she ever kill anyone? Aeschylus misinterpreted Caitlin’s motives and tried to cheer her up by saying:
- “You’ll be fine.” He said “we’ll train hard every day, and when the time comes, not even the Stranger will be able to stand against you.” Caitlin slowly raised her head. She muttered a goodnight and went to her bed. Her food still stood on the stool, untouched.


Caitlin stared into the wall beside her. In the next room she could hear her father and grandmother, but they whispered too low for her to make out any words. She did not think it was unintentionally. After some time she could hear Ashlin going to bed. Her father went soon after. Still she could not sleep. Thoughts whirled around her head, and she felt a headache begin.  
The bed was soft and warm, on all other nights this would have been very comfortable, but tonight she felt suffocated. The weight of her grandmothers’ vision was crushing her. How would she ever get out of this?
Then it struck her. Just because Ashlin had not been wrong before did not mean that she never was. They could not force her to fight the Stranger. Not if she ran away. Ran away? But she could not do that.
Or could she?



5.

Once outside she heaved a deep sigh. The moon bathed everything in a ghostly sheen. It was lucky for her that it did; otherwise she would not even have been able to see the ground below her feet. Like during the day, not a single breeze ruffled her hair. Everything was still.
She felt bad about leaving them like this. She thought of writing a note, but she was not much good at writing, and decided against it.

She stood for a while, not sure which way to go. She thought it through.
East would take her through the village, someone might see her. That was no good.
South perhaps; across the plains. She had never been on the far side of the plains. But she had heard stories about a vast desert. Unpleasant stories about people who went there and died of thirst and exhaustion. Beyond it no one knew what waited. The stories said that nobody had ever crossed it; she would not be one to try.
North then, through the forest. That would have been her best shot. That is, if it had been bright daylight. Now the trees were dark and foreboding. As soon as she was under those trees it would be pitch black, and she would have no chance at all to see where she was going. She might fall into a stream, she might get completely lost or she might even wake up and find herself just outside the house again.
That left only one possibility: west. She had never been farther west than the lake, but she knew what she would ultimately find if she kept going west, the capital.


As she crossed the bridge she saw the moon sailing on the water. She almost skipped along to the other side. From now on the way was unknown to her. She would travel to places she had never been before, places she had never even heard of before. She was free.

Then she froze. She was not just going unfamiliar places, she was going there alone, and she was not coming back. Her heart beat faster. The trees felt more ominous than ever and a thousand malicious things hid in the grass. She looked over her shoulder. She took one step back towards the bridge and stood there for what felt like eternity. Then she turned and continued her journey west. It was too late to turn back now.

On her right the forest strolled away from her, until only the odd straggling tree was left. Now the tall grass was on both sides. The path joined a larger road. She followed it still going roughly west. Later the road diverged. She took the right-hand one. She did not dare to go south yet.

She trudged on until each of her eyelids weighed a ton, and she could hardly lift her feet off the ground. Then she yawned and stumbled into a thicket by the side of the path so as not to be seen by passers by. She carefully wrapped herself in a blanket, and hoped that it would not rain.
©2007-2009 ~Werewolf-me
:iconwerewolf-me:

Author's Comments

Three things happened between this version and the last

1. =BornBlitzed :iconbornblitzed: Gave me a great help in the form of a critique

2. I looked around in a writers forum

3. I read Stephen King's "On Writing"

You might call me dumb but I had to be told 3 times to "show not tell" before I really found out how :)

This however does not mean that I'm perfect...
Please forgive me if I forgot something :)

Comments


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:icondeathwriter08:
Wow! What an interesting story! I'm usually not a fan of "fantasy, medieval sword-fighting" stories, but this kept me entertained.

My only plot suggestion for you is to change that the stranger removed her cloak. By doing this, her character lost a sense of mystery and terror. Otherwise, you did well.

--
Life itself is only a vision, a dream. Nothing exists, save for empty space and you.
:iconsloppisloth:
"Then, the day before the great battle for the citadel, a strange traveller came to the gates. Relatively small, draped in a long black cloak and riding a big black wolf. It was impossible to guess much about the strangers looks because of the cloak." Big black wolf? Use some more creative dicton than that! The second sentence seems a bit off, maybe because of the repition of the word "cloak". Try rewording it so that when you first describe the cloak, you can add in the same sentence how it hid her identity, and in the second sentence describe how she road a "big black" wolf".


"When the Mynirrclopyn came closer to the walls the bowmen released their arrows. A few of the creatures fell, but they seemed scarcely to take notice of the arrows, which were raining down upon them" Here you seem to simply tell what happens. Fantasy stories with battles like this appear to have a common problem with monotonously just listing things off, just straight telling what happened without any literary devices or description. "This happened, and then this happened, and then he swung his sword, and then the other guy blocked it, and then everyone shot arrows, and then all this other stuff.." It can really slow things down and make it unexciting for the reader.

"And the gates were strong, but the ram was stronger. It was plain, that they would not hold much longer" Again, telling the story in this simplified manner can be exceedingly boring to read.

"The stranger said carelessly, - “and now,” The stranger heaved a sigh, - “I’m going to war.” The stranger took hold of the ". Try not to repeat "the stranger" so many times in such a short time. Add some variation in how she is referred to--use some pronouns, maybe refer to her as a "mysterious person".

"who saw it, gasped, for a she it was, and no more than 15 years old by the look of her" Ah yes, the old, "i am young so I will make this character young so it makes me feel cool" technique. What, you want it to excite the reader whenever the young protagonist shocks the ironically weaker, less able adults of the story? It can work, but it may just repulse and annoy older people who read it.

"The king grew old and tired. And as each year went by he became more and more nervous too. His son was worried. His father had always been so calm and strong, now he jumped at the smallest sound. Then the king became very ill and no doctors in the whole kingdom knew how to cure him. On the day the king died, he asked for all to leave him but his son. They talked alone for some time, then there was silence, and the prince came out from the room trembling to announce the death of their king. He would not tell anyone, what it was, that had been said in those last minutes, which had shaken him so." YOu should describe everything you basically summarized in this paragraph in more detail seeing as it is a significant event. I'm not sure if the son refusing to fullfill whatever the promise is believable...Obviously you hint towards the king telling him something that "changes everything" but if the King does not want to fulfill the promise, why did he make it in the first place?

I liked the rest of part 1. I will read the others if i have time.

--
If you like to think deeply, send me a note.
:iconsloppisloth:
I forgot to mention. the first sentece is cliche and over used--even if you were going for the classic fairy tale image, it is better to avoid it.

--
If you like to think deeply, send me a note.
:iconagmeade:
I've really enjoyed the piece so far, it has a very classic fairy tale feel to it. You indicated in the forum that you wanted me to critique it.. do you want something in depth or something basic?
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:iconwerewolf-me:
Hmm.. I think I'd like basic first and then in depth afterwards :)

--
- It's always reality that's got it wrong...
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September 30, 2007
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